Meaning
The Pattern
Individuals and Homes
Making Marriage Work
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Signs of Marital Problems and Ways to Make Marriage Work
How can we know anything about anythingTo try to explain truth to him who loves it not is but to give him more plentiful material for misinterpretation. George Macdonald Do we have to make a choice between science and the Bible? NO! That is NOT where the problem is, but that is what everyone seems to want to talk about. Take science as an example. How can we know anything about the created material world around us? How can we know anything from what we can see using natural sciences? We all see the same things in the material world, but we don't come to the same answers. Why is that? How can we know anything about the Bible and what it teaches? Every person believes different things about the Bible and how it should be read. Why is that? Same scientific facts. Different answers. Same Bible. Different answers. Why is that? The true question is this: How do we come to our answers that we get from what we can see through science or what we can read in the Bible? How do we think about what we see using science or what we read in the Bible? How do we analyze what we have seen and read? How do we interpret what we have seen and read? We use logic, but logic always has a foundation. Jesus talked about building on the Rock. That Rock is Jesus Christ. He is the true foundation. There are also the false foundations of the ungodly. An example might help. Question: Why do you believe in evolution? Answer: Because my science teacher told me that evolution is scientific fact. Question: Why do you believe your science teacher? Answer: because he agrees with the textbook he assigned us to read. Now, we have asked, "Why?" twice. If we continued to ask, "Why?" we would come down to the foundation of this person's thoughts. When we get down to the foundations, there are no more questions that can be answered. So where to the foundations come from? There are three possibilities.
Question: Why do you believe in creation? Answer: Because God revealed this to me. He spoke to me through the Bible and gave me His faith so that I could believe Him. See how quickly we got to the foundation. This is a belief that has a foundation that is solid and that cannot be moved. In reality, the things that we make up, that are pulled from the air, are actually from demons and all the lies of demons spring from the prince of demons, Satan. So these are one and the same. Divine revelation comes from the Almighty, Creator, God, Jesus Christ. So there are only two choices, but how do we know there are only two choices? Because God has revealed this truth to us. The question then is how do we tell the difference between the revelation that comes from God and the lies of Satan? The answer is that everyone who sincerely wants to do the will of God will know. Jesus said, "If you really want to obey God, you will know if what I teach comes from God or from me" The rejection of the revelation that comes from God is not an intellectual problem. It is a moral problem. Jesus said, "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened to you: For everyone who asks receives; and he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks it shall be opened." Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to those who ask him? Matthew 7:7-11 You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. You can set the truth before someone, but you can't make anyone believe those things that they don't want to submit to. They have to want to obey God. How frequently it is brought to our attention that nothing good can be done if the will is wrong! Reason alone fails to justify itself. Richard M. Weaver Jesus said, "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:32) "If we are not prepared to buy the truth at the cost of our own humbling we shall not receive it" Lies appear to have no price upon them. They seem cheap and they abound everywhere. But for the truth there is always an obvious price to pay. "[God] has set a day when He will judge all the world's people with fairness. And He has chosen the man Jesus to do the judging for Him. God has given proof of this to all of us by raising Jesus from death" (Acts 17:31). "There is a judge for the one who rejects Me [Jesus] and does not accept My words; that very word which I spoke will condemn him at the last day" (John 12:48) That also stands for every person who speaks the utterances of Jesus. When we hear them, we hear Jesus Christ, and we either accept or reject. Every person who follows Jesus Christ is commanded to only speak His utterances and not their own. "When we love others, we know that we belong to the truth, and we feel at ease in the presence of God" (1 John 3:19) Ravi Zacharias did two open forums in a university. On the second night, one man told him that he had brought two Atheists in the night before who said that the arguments presented were so strong that they could not contend with them, but they were going to remain Atheists because that is what they prefer to be true. In another case of just listening to an unbeliever and drawing out his reasoning, the unbeliever finally came to his foundations. They turned out to be assumptions that were pulled from the air. When asked why he believed his basic assumption, the unbeliever looked startled and blurted out, "I guess I'm making the whole thing up." It was quite a revelation to him since he hadn't even known that he had any assumptions. However, he decided to remain an Atheist because he didn't want God to rule over him. Signs of a serious marital problemSign 1: Harsh StartupsHarsh Startups consist of the husband and wife beginning discussion of problems in a negative way, using accusations, or in an attitude of contempt. Sign 2: The "Four Horsemen": Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, StonewallingCriticism: This is an attack against the person, which is quite different from discussing problems. Wives are most often guilty of this, but husbands can also be guilty of this. Keep in mind that these are only trends that Gottman's research pointed out. When the man is guilty, he is just as guilty of criticism as the woman is, and the man is much more likely to be physically abusive along with being verbally abusive.Contempt: This is an escalation from attacks to inner disgust and dislike for the spouse. The criticizer has hypnotized herself or himself into what could be called confirmation bias. Now, everything appears to prove that the other spouse is no good. There is no good that the criticized spouse can do to overcome this since the spouse who is doing the criticizing has developed a filter so that every action good or bad appears evil to the critical spouse. Contempt can be seen in sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. Defensiveness: This is a poor reaction to continued criticism and contempt. The spouse who is being attacked becomes defensive, sometimes even trying to deflect by blaming the accuser. This defense does not work as the attacker simply intensifies the attacks until the emotions of the attacked spouse overwhelm him or her. These events of being overwhelmed are known as flooding. When they are overwhelmed repeatedly, it leads to other problems. Stonewalling: This is a final position of defense against continuing attacks of criticism and contempt. It is the attacked spouse who shuts down. Stonewalling is usually an attempt to avoid flooding. The spouse who has been repeatedly accused will try to put space between themselves and their attacker. Sometimes, they will try to be away from the home. Sometimes they will just shut themselves down against all emotion, both negative and positive, in the home. This defense doesn't work either, but rather does even more damage to the relationship. The accusing spouse intensifies the accusations again. Sign 3: FloodingThe spouse who is being attacked is able to bear up under the emotional pounding to a certain point. They feel like they are doing fine and taking it in stride. Then, suddenly, the emotional abuse takes its toll and emotions overflow violently and surprisingly. The flooding happens very quickly once it starts. There is very little lead warning to the person who had been bearing the burden of criticism and contempt quite bravely. After the flooding occurs, the criticized spouse feels defeated, ashamed, and destroyed. They are in shell shock. Often, the critical spouse begins to inwardly or outwardly gloat.Sign 4: Body ReactionsDuring the flooding experience, heart rate and blood pressure increase and adrenalin and cortisol are released. The ability to make decisions or to maintain a discussion vanishes. The body was designed by God to only release small amounts of adrenalin and cortisol for very short periods of time. However, extended release of these powerful chemicals does permanent harm. Repeated flooding will eventually cause permanent emotional damage. It can be healed by Jesus Christ, but there can be scars that may take a long time of peace in the marriage to heal. Also, there is the problem that the criticized person begins to also have a confirmation bias against the abusing spouse. They no longer see Christ in their critical spouse. The criticized spouse eventually will come to hate the criticizing spouse and will not be able to see any good in the spouse who has shown contempt for so long. A sense of hopelessness sets in. Keep in mind that the fall in the Garden of Eden turned human beings inside out and backwards in a sense. We were designed to have our spirits joined to the Holy Spirit. Then, our spirits are designed to rule over our minds and our minds are designed ro rule over our bodies. The fall reversed all of that. Our entire beings were torn away from God and joined to Satan. Satan rules through the body. The body rules over the mind. The mind rules over the spirit. When we are born again, the Holy Spirit is once again joined to the human spirit. The Holy Spirit and the human spirit then join to rule over that part of the mind that has been conformed to Jesus. That part of the mind that is still in subjection to the body is known as the flesh. This is what causes the flooding.
Sign 5: Failed Repair AttemptsA repair attempt is whatever couples use to ease the tension. This could be humor, affection, sitting and talking it out, or any other method that works. When these attempts fail, flooding occurs.Sign 6: Bad MemoriesBad memories are confirmation bias. Memories are blurred and distorted by highly negative emotions repeated so often. It has been said that it takes seven positive experiences to overcome one negative experience. That is probably true, but keep in mind that there are differences in the intensity of experiences.FriendshipFriendship is a way of describing a married couple when they aren't fighting. They respect each other. They love each other. They enjoy each other's company.Discerning Christ in Each OtherThe family is a unit within the Church. We are to discern the Body of Christ. Mutual love and respect happens when two people discern the Body of Christ, that is, they discern Christ in each other. If a couple can do this, there is a flow of the healing Anointing of the Holy Spirit through their spirits, minds, and bodies. This flow of the Anointing flows between them and through them drawing them together. The fleshy negative thoughts about each other and about their marriage die out. Those negatives are crucified. This is part of what it means to die to self and live to Christ.Spouses can make a spiritual and emotional connection. This can be done through having a daily family devotion. You may sing together, read the Bible together, or speak of spiritual truths. You may do ministry together, visiting the sick or those who are in need. You may ask your spouse's opinion and then listen to their response. You may tell your spouse that you were wrong when there has been a problem. You may affirm your spouse and encourage your spouse. You may use touch to make a connection. It is important that spouses do not defraud each other sexually, but non-sexual touch is also important. You may do acts of service for your spouse. You may give your spouse a gift. It doesn't have to be expensive, but a gift often is a way that you can connect and bring unity between yourselves. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage WorkPrinciple 1: Enhance Your Love MapsYou have detailed knowledge of your spouse. Study your spouse. Understand your spouse. This understanding is a love map. You cannot have a real love map until you fully discern Christ in your spouse. Your spouse has a flesh, and so do you. Your flesh is not the real you. The real you is that part of yourself that has conformed to the image of Christ. This is true of your spouse. It is important that you see this reality. Reality is truth. It is the truth that sets you free. If you look at your spouse and see flesh, then you have become a judge with an evil heart. You are like the person who has a log in your own eye but you are trying to remove a speck from your spouses eye. The log is your inability to see Christ in your spouse. You are failing to discern Christ in His Body. You are failing to discern Christ in your spouse. How could you possibly heal your spouse's blindness when you are more blind than your spouse, since you are not discerning Christ in your spouse. How can you tell whether you are discerning Christ? Do you have any sense of irritation, anger, resentment, or any other negative emotion toward your spouse? If so, you are not discerning Christ in your spouse and you are unable to help your spouse since you are worse off than your spouse spiritually. Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness & AdmirationIt is important that you believe in your spouse. Both the husband and the wife need this. Both need respect. However, men generally need respect much more than women. Women generally need love more than men do, though both men and women need love. For this reason, it is very important that a woman honors her husband. When she fails to honor her husband, she begins to tear down her home with her bare hands.If you are both Christians, then you can realize that your spouse is a member of the Body of Christ. You can begin to see Christ in your spouse. The Apostle Paul says that a woman ought to honor her husband. When the wife can see the Christ in her husband, this vision prevents feelings of contempt from arising in a woman, because it is impossible for a woman to feel disgust for someone she admires. Paul tells men to love their wives. When a man sees Christ in his wife, this vision brings love into a man's heart, and this love flows to his wife. It is impossible for a man to avoid loving his wife if he discerns the Body of Christ. When you see Christ, you focus on the ministry of your spouse. You value that ministry. The ministry is all good all the time. There is no bad in it. The flesh is evil. There is no good in it, not in your spouse's, not in your's, not in anyone's. See your spouse's ministry, the Christ within them and to realize that they, like you, have a fleshly nature, but they, like you, are a new creation in Christ. Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of AwayTurn to your spouse in little ways every day. This will just happen if you follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit will lead you and give you the power to do this. One way to do this is through works of service. When you have been apart, take a little time to regain rapport. It helps if you begin with a hug. Look into the eyes of your spouse. Take time to be romantic. Talk. Listen. Take interest in your spouse. There is no other place where God has given you more responsibility. Bring a surprise gift to your spouse. A husband may give his wife a flower. A wife may give her husband something related to his hobby. Look to God for leading in this, and you will be surprised at how well He guides you.Principle 4: Let Your Spouse Influence YouAvoid autonomous decision-making. The husband is set with a governing authority from God, but that governing authority is not for lording it over the wife. The husband cannot make a good decision without input from the wife. God has called you together. You are incomplete without each other. Failure to take input from each other is failure to discern the Body of Christ.Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable ProblemsGottman's steps to problem resolution:1. Soften startup 2. Make and help your spouse to make repair attempts. (See Sign 5 above) 3. Comfort yourself and your spouse. 4. Compromise. Note that compromise is not the goal. It is a workaround. The goal is to find God's will. When you are disagreeing, pray that God would show you both His will. Keep in mind that His will is likely to be different than either of your opinions. 5. Be tolerant of each other's faults. To tolerate is not to condone. Tolerance, the word, has been misued. It does not mean you have to say that the fault is OK. If you are Christians, then you see that the faults are inherent in the flesh. The flesh has no good. The flesh is the one you both died to when you both were born again. The flesh is the one who is no longer you or your spouse. See Christ in your spouse. Principle 6: Overcoming GridlockWhen one is following his of her own dreams, this will lead to gridlock. If neither spouse in being led by God, then this will cause even more powerful gridlock. Listen to your spouse. Love and respect your spouse enough to hear the entire story. Pray together for the answer. A spiritually immature person has trouble doing this. The spiritually immature person wants his or her own way and assumes that he or she is right and assumes that his or her spouse is wrong. Get off the position and reexamine the problem. It is likely that both spouses have solved the problem without even understanding what the problem is. Pride only enters when a person is not following the Holy Spirit. Only when there is pride will there be contention. A person who is not puffed up can even avoid being upset when a spouse is stubborn and wrong.Principle 7: Shared MeaningIt is very important to have daily devotions. It is also important that you discuss spritual things together. Attend weekly services. Take part in prayer meetings, and Bible studies. Attend at least one yearly camp meeting or retreat. Spend time in the Word so that you both agree. Spend time in the presence of Jesus so that you both are building on the same foundation.Author/Compiler Last updated: Nov, 2011 |
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God has established the pattern of Scripture, for life and for the Church. You can feel free to use the Contact Form further down on this page to ask any question regarding this pattern of Scripture. The Church, the Body of Christ, and discernment of this Body, is the method that God is using to finish the work in His Body. The Body of Christ, God's Temple, is built up by that which every joint supplies, building each other up in love, and the Temple must be built according to the pattern of Scripture. 
We believe the Holy Scriptures teach:
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Contact FormYou can feel free to use this Contact Form to ask any question regarding this pattern of Scripture. The Church, the Body of Christ, and discernment of this Body, is the method that God is using to finish the work in His Body. The Body of Christ, God's Temple, is built up by that which every joint supplies, building each other up in love, and the Temple must be built according to the pattern of Scripture. If you would like to ask any other question on any subject or submit a correction or suggestion you may use this form.Please remember to include your email address if you want an answer. John 10:35b the Scripture cannot be broken, Put a Link To This Page on Your Site. HTML Code: Links: SeekFind.net ~ Signs of Marital Problems and Ways to Make Marriage Work Signs of Marital Problems and Ways to Make Marriage Work Human theology and reasoning is not necessarily correct, but the Bible is without error. The Bible can only be understood by revelation, and revelation is given by the Spirit of God. God does reveal in His own way. But we only know in part. If we think we know any thing, we do not know it as we ought. We are instructed, by God, to keep seeking Him. The Holy Spirit will lead us into all truth. The truth sets us free. Lies bind us. Whoever seeks Jesus does find Him. Jesus is the truth. 
THE CONCLUSION |
